Those nice people at Showcase have compiled a list of the most irksome things that others do to spoil the magic of the big screen experience. Disclaimer - I’ll always love going to the cinema. Here they are...
10 - Being overly intimate (29%) - I usually go to the cinema in the afternoon, and it’s rarely a hotbed of passion at that time, to be honest. Perhaps late night screenings carry more danger on this front.
9 - Laughing too loudly (37%) - whilst I’m often baffled by the folk who laugh really loudly at the adverts that I’ve seen a million times on TV, I am usually the one who chortles loudly at parts of the film that nobody else laughs at! The awkward silence can make me giggle more as well. It’s a bit like getting a fit of hysterics during school assembly, and try as you might, getting it under control is like trying to staple jelly to a wall. They say laughter is the best medicine, and the world needs more of it at the moment, not less! Going to the cinema is a great switch off from the grimness of far right rallies, endless flag debates and conflict around the world. I say laugh as heartily as you like!
8 - Arriving late (43%). - it’s fairly well known amongst regular cinemagoers that you have a good 20-25 minutes to take your seat, without the risk of missing a moment of the movie. I like to watch the trailers, so usually arrive about 10 minutes after the advertised time. There is simply no excuse for rocking up a good 10-15 minutes into the movie. It’s disruptive, and really annoying. Mobile torches go on, as the search for an allocated seat begins. Irksome.
7 - Sitting in the wrong seat (44%) - I like to book my seat in advance, and have a favourite row, which is probably a bit sad. It’s K, for the record. I’m also too awkwardly British to actually ask someone to move if they are sitting in my seat. The same goes for allocated seats on the train. I just tut, roll my eyes, and try to find somewhere else to plonk myself.
6 - Leaving rubbish behind (55%) - cinemas have massive bins on the way out of every screen. It really isn’t difficult to pick up your empties and stick them into the bin. I hate seeing popcorn strewn across seats, and areas that resemble a landfill site, as the lights go up. Not a thought for the staff who have to clear it up. Don’t be that person. It’s thankfully pretty rare, but very annoying.
5 - Eating loud snacks (62%) - there is a case for no food being sold at the cinema. I’m totally aware it’s a big part of their profit margin, but perhaps there could be quiet screenings, a bit like quiet carriages on the train? If I do get food, I have usually demolished my salted popcorn and Revels before the trailers are done anyway, to be fair. At a recent screening of Spinal Tap II on a Saturday lunchtime, a bloke sitting behind me polished off a bottle of red and two cans of Brewdog lager during the 85 minute film, which was quite extraordinary. Maybe he was just getting into the rock n’ roll spirit of the movie.
4 - Kicking the back of seats (64%) - just don’t do it. Instant £100 fine.
3 - Putting feet on seats (66%) - whether you’re on the train or at the cinema, keep your feet off the seats. £200 fine for this one.
2 - Talking or whispering (79%) - I was recently sitting behind a pair of lads who spent the whole movie chatting rubbish. Next time, go for a coffee.
I’m turning into Victor Meldrew, aren’t I? I’m only 6 years away from the age Richard Wilson was when he first played the curmudgeonly Victor back in 1990, I guess.
1 - Using mobile phones (82%) - I’d love to meet the 18% who think this is acceptable, and ensure they never share a cinema screen with me ever again. The very reason I love going to the cinema is switching off from the constant noise of smartphone notifications. One woman in a screening I was at last year took a call and loudly proclaimed that she couldn’t speak, as she was at the cinema, Dom Joly style. Unbelievable!
Alex B Cann column - 27th November
Alex Cann's weekly blog - 9th January
